Irrelevant Writing #1

Yes, it’s been a while. But don’t worry. Not a single thing has happened to me since my last blog.

Actually, tons has happened. But I don’t feel like writing another big ass ketchup blog right now. I will hopefully do one soon, because my last year has been pretty damn eventful. But for now, I just want to post something small that I’ve been wanting to put up here for about a week. Then check back later, and maybe I’ll put up another big, long, rambly post. I gotta write on this thing more. I like writing. It’s fun.

The People’s Republic of Chinese Food

So I started working at a Chinese food restaurant in Beverly Hills. I try to keep this a secret for the most part because I don’t want people to think my acting career isn’t going so well (BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT). I just like having extra money. So yes, I now am working four jobs: barista, waiter, actor, writer. I am a Hollywood cliche. Anyway, the point of all this is to share a story that I find funny from the restaurant job. And a piece of useless writing I was inspired to devote an hour to. Sharing it on this blog will at least help to justify that lost hour. So here ya go….

Recently, at 10 o’clock at night, my manager (whom we’ll call Warren) at the restaurant (which we’ll call Happy China) sent me an email with no body and the following subject line: “Please email me a picture of your self.” I said, “What? Why?” Warren responded with an email saying, “Its something corporate is asking for. Its for your profile, also sent me a brief description of your life and future goals. Its due tonight so if you don’t mind send it ASAP.” I didn’t like this, so I sent an email back: “This is weird. Why? What is this profile? And why am I just now hearing about it when it’s due tonight?” All reasonable questions for something as fishy as building a database of pictures and profiles for employees in the service industry. His response: “Too many questions. Please send me your picture, its not fore the FBI so relax. This is just fore you profile that the regional manager asked us to do. Its for everyone, back of the house front of the house and managers. All the stores are doing it. We got the email and we didn’t pay any attention to it and it was due last week. So please a picture.”

This is the picture I sent him, and the bio follows.

Randy Wade Kelley: barista, actor, waiter, birthday boy.

The Life and Dreams of Randy Wade Kelley

Randy Wade Kelley grew up in the bitter wilderness of Delapaderro, Alaska. His family survived on the meat of each day’s grizzly bear kill. But Randy Wade Kelley had big dreams. He would entertain his Eskimo neighbors every night around the campfire with stories of wizards, circuses, and robot space-battles. Tomono, Randy Wade Kelley’s best friend, mentor, and Shamanistic Master, always said he had a natural knack for telling stories. Randy Wade Kelley always added a bit of flourish with voices, costumes, and an unbelievable talent and skill in acting. So the obvious next step? HOLLYWOOD, BABY!!!

Randy Wade Kelley performed magic tricks for senior citizens and volunteered at a local Inuit soup kitchen (restaurant experience!) to work his way through school at the Alaskan Academy of the Arts and Advanced Acting (AAAAA). Finally, in 2010, Randy Wade Kelley graduated with a double Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Acting and Fire-Dancing. Once in Hollywood, Randy Wade Kelley felt right at home, though he missed his loving loyal white wolf, Dyrell. He booked a few gigs here and there: cartwheeling in the background of a Justin Beiber music video, and dressing up as a tree for the Hollywood United Methodist Non-Denominational Holiday Pageant entitled “Merry Anything, Los Angeles!” But Randy Wade Kelley still felt like he wasn’t serving the world to his truest potential. And where better to truly serve the world than in the SERVICE industry! Randy Wade Kelley sought out [Happy China] based on his love for Mongolian Beef and mango iced tea. And the rest is history!

As for the future, Randy Wade Kelley hopes to eventually go back home to Alaska to hunt down and break bread with his three still-living family members. Long-term goals? Randy Wade Kelley’s biggest hopes for the future are to one day finally get his black belt, own the world’s first invisible Ferrari, and go head to head in a life or death ping-pong match against World Master, Oatsie Windfellows.